At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
