if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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