When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
