I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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