I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
