At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Randomize
