I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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