I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Randomize
