I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
