Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You dont lie about slip and slides
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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