Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
