i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
