i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
