Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Who died my cat blue again?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
