her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
