that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
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