At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Someone signed my nipple.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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