My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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