We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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