I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
