I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Dear god my vagina.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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