just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
