quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
