my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
