Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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