I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
