my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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