he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
