The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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