I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
