i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I pour the whiskey from now on
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
