You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
