You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
