OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
