I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
