I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Will exercising make me less horny?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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