girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Everyone says I win the strip club
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
