I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
