I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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