It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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