In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
