I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
