Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
