I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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