oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
