I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
