forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
