I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
