Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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