i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
