dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
