The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
We don't watch enough power rangers
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
